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Carrnal Knowledge is the 17th episode of the 2nd season and the 35th episode overall.

Summary Edit

Angry at Rachel for both punishing her and banning cell phones from Constance, Blair comes up with a plan to take down the new teacher.

Meanwhile, Serena hands in a Shakespeare essay to Rachel and sees Dan with Rachel, which she finds odd, since she and Dan are struggling with their relationship. But since she and Rachel are friends, Serena tries to put her doubts at rest; also, Rachel is full of encouraging comments about Serena's writing.

Blair, determined to find a rumor that will stick against Rachel, leaks the "story" that Rachel and Dan are having sex to Gossip Girl and is expelled from Constance when the headmistress finds out that it was Blair who started the rumors. She tells her father that the rumors are true; he gathers the Parents Council to reverse Blair's expulsion.

Serena, who becomes suspicious of Dan and Rachel takes an incriminating picture that Blair uses to reverse her expulsion and results in Rachel's termination. After Serena and Dan break up, Dan goes to talk to Rachel and they have sex.

Memorable Quotes Edit

Gossip Girl: While Upper East Siders are hitting the snooze button, Blair Waldorf had a rude awakening when the rooster crowed at dawn this morning.

Blair: Never, in my 16,982 hours of schooling, have I ever been sentenced to detention.
Serena: I can't believe you added up all the hours of class we've had. Makes me wanna play hooky.
Blair: One month with Ms. Carr and I'm serving a week of hard time. Dorota! Hey, be more thorough!
Serena: Well I think you might have had a little something to do with that. The opera. The boathouse. Ring a bell? Look, all I know is I've never had a teacher who's actually taken me seriously. It feels like she really gets me. Is that weird?
Blair: Looks like Humphrey has some competition.
Serena: Dan and I have barely spoken all week.
Blair: They say conversation is the first thing to go.
Serena: We will talk. There's just a lot going on right now. Look, B, I gotta go. I know where Rachel eats breakfast and I gotta drop off my extra credit essay before I go to school. I'll see you there.

Blair to Dorota: Serena's sympathetic to the enemy. I have to cross her off my list of recruits.

Harold: You know, Blair Bear, I'm proud of you for handling your punishment with such grace.
Blair: Well, we Waldorfs are nothing if not graceful.
Harold: I wish you'd let me speak to the school. It sounds like this teacher's been after you from the start.
Blair: Thank you. I wanted to handle this on my own.
Harold: It speaks volumes of the mature young lady you've become.
Blair: I wish everyone could see me through your eyes.
Harold: You keep your chin up. I'll see you after school.

Dorota: Miss Blair. Your martyr act? No good.
Blair: Pick up the pace, shall we?

Serena: Rachel. Dan.
Rachel: Hi Serena.
Serena: You guys are hanging out?
Dan: Yeah well, Rachel's been giving me some feedback on my stories.
Rachel: And by feedback he means a wall of praise. Dan is a really good writer.
Serena: Trust me, I know.
Dan: Okay. Alright, now I gotta go. Guess I'll see you at school. Awkwardly slaps Serena's shoulder.' She returns the gesture.

Chuck: Nathaniel. Did we speak last night?
Nate: Uh. No. Why, what's up?
Chuck: I'm not sure. But I think last night may have been the greatest night of my life.

Miss Carr: Blair. If I'm correct you completed your detention this morning.
Blair: Yes Ms. Carr. Sign and dated by the Preservation Society.
Miss Carr: I hope the experience was educational.
Blair: I made friends with a family of squirrels and had lots of time to think.
Miss Carr: Oh. Henry David Thoreau found nature inspiring as well.

Blair: Girls. Now that my days of community service are behind me, time for a takedown. They ignore her. Hello! Do you need a refresher? I say, you do.
Iz: To be honest Blair, none of us are that into 5 a.m. trash duty. I think we're gonna sit this one out.
Penelope: B, why are you doing this? Queller will tell Yale you're finished with detention and it's over. This is madness.
Blair: No! This. Is. Constance. Don't you see? If Cornflower Mary can come in and tell us how to run things then everything we stood for, for all those years, is nothing. This isn't about Yale. This is about our legacy. What we do here today echoes. Through eternity. Who's with me?
Penelope: Sorry B. This is your vendetta.

Nelly: Who could be behind such pure evil?
Blair: Well well well. Now you with me?
Iz: What do you want us to do?

Gossip Girl: Every great leader knows, you don't send your girls into the field unarmed. If we know Blair Waldorf munitions are on their way.

Hazel: Is a scandal still a scandal if you can't text about it?
Penelope: That's very zen.

Hazel: Thank you Jesus. Blair: No. "Thank you Blair". And thank you, Dorota.

Blair: I want you to dig deep—and I mean deep—into Rachel's past. We're gonna run that Commie Corn Husker straight out of Constance.

Nate: Please tell me what we're doing here.
Vanessa: Yeah, and talk about the filthy rich. What happened to you?
Chuck: Yesterday I received an envelope. Inside was a business card with an address, a date and a time on it. No name. I assumed it was some overly designed invitation to a business meeting. But I arrived at the address it was something different entirely.
Vanessa: A high stakes poker game?
Nate: Or an arms dealer auction?
Chuck: The ultimate private gentleman's club. I walked through this door and it was—
Vanessa: It was the Chuck Bass version of Narnia?
They enter.
Chuck: She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It's like she was waiting for me. Ready to serve. My every desire.
Vanessa: Okay, we don't need details.
Chuck: Sadly I'm pretty sure that's as far as it went. I woke up alone. In a hotel room. A cruel twist of fate, I don't even remember her name.
Nate: Well what exactly do you remember?
Chuck: Not a lot. I'm hoping coming here will change that.

Iz: Between milking cows in Des Moines and teaching low-income kids to read and write, Ms. Carr is clean as a whistle.
Hazel: Seriously. She's the midwestern Mother Teresa.
Blair: Impossible, Hazel. Your methods of inquiry must be as tired as your hair. Iz: We searched everywhere. My fingers are raw.
Blair: When the truth fails you, you have no choice but to abandon it. They look lost. Make something up. Idiots. to herself: With friends like these, who needs friends.

Blair: Ladies. You can give your tiny brains a rest. Once again the world has proved: anything you can do I can do better.

Blair's GG text: Lonely Boy and Ms. Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert! XOXO.

Dan: This day is getting weirder by the minute.
Jenny: Anything you want to tell me?
Dan: Um... besides I'm glad you're not wearing that racoon makeup anymore? Because you looked like one of The Incredibles.
Jenny: Oh, thanks. A lot. And I thought I was the bad seed in the family.
Dan: What? Alright, what's going on? She shows him her palm. "Is Lonely Boy giving a certain new teacher more than just an apple?" What does that mean? And why is it written on your hand?
Jenny: Because Nelly Yuki wouldn't give me her contraband phone to show you herself. I mean, this is just the headline. The whole post would've gone all the way up my arm. It was quite detailed about you and Ms. Carr and your forbidden love.
Dan: Me and Ms. Carr? What? No. That's absurd. That is absurd.
Jenny: Well I'm not the one you need to convince.

Nate: So the ultimate gentleman's club was here? 'Cause this place reminds me of my aunt's house.
Chuck: This was the place. I know it. There were velvet curtains blocking this hallway. There were women wearing masks, lying on a divan right where this piano is.
Nate: Alright, look. Maybe you should get some rest. It could help jog our memory.
Vanessa: Or warm ginger ale. It's a miracle hangover cure.
Chuck: This is the one. This is the woman.
Vanessa: Let me see. No way. The mom? This must be her house.
Nate: Well there's only one way to find out.

Blair: The ladies room? I knew you and Serena were having problems. I never knew they were anatomical.
Dan: The only reason I'm trespassing on sacred ground is because I know you sent that rumor to Gossip Girl.
Blair: Sorry. No idea what you're talking about. You can go now.
Dan: Whatever issues you have with Rachel she cares about people, she cares about her job.
Blair: Oh that is so sweet. Maybe you should write a short story about it and have Rachel give you notes. Naked.

Rachel: It's like I have spinach in my teeth or something. I actually went into the bathroom to check. And I don't.
Serena: Yeah, it's not spinach. Um. It's a rumor. A pretty ugly one. About you and Dan. But I know it's not true.
Rachel: A rumor. About me and Dan. I've been at this school long enough to know what that means. Unbelievable.
Serena: Yeah, well, don't worry. I've been on Gossip Girl plenty of times. And for worse things. Some of them true, some of them weren't. But eventually everyone forgets. The best thing to do with these things is nothing at all.
Rachel: Gossip Girl?
Serena: Oh. Yeah, it's a web site where a girl posts gossip. At least we think it's a girl.
Rachel: And where does she get her tips?
Serena: Um. It's anonymous. So no one really knows.

Headmistress: This school has been aware of the Gossip Girl web site for some time. Up until now the content has focused on the students, the students haven't complained, so we've turned a blind eye. However now that a teacher has become involved I have no choice but to deal with it.
Blair: I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ms. Carr: Blair. I know you posted the rumor about me.
Blair: Whatever rumor you're talking about I had nothing to do with it. I find this accusation preposterous.
Headmistress: Ms. Tamma, would you please send the student in? Thank you.
Ms. Carr: Someone came forward and identified you as the source.
Blair: Let me guess, Dan Humphrey.
Headmistress: This information was then confirmed by a witness. Nelly Yuki comes in.

Headmistress: Blair your actions threaten the reputation of the entire teaching staff and this school. You give me no choice but to ask you to leave Constance Billard.
Blair: You're expelling me?

Harold: Headmistress Queller is standing firm on the expulsion.
Blair: Yale will revoke my acceptance as soon as they receive word. This is my darkest hour.
Harold: Blair, if you started that rumor—about Dan Humphrey and the teacher— she has a legitimate case for slander. So I need to know: did you?
Blair: I might have posted something on Gossip Girl. All the girls do it. It's how we communicate. But anything I wrote was the truth. I didn't lie. I promise Daddy.
Harold: You should have been honest with the headmistress about that. But the real issue here is not teenagers gossiping online.
Blair: It's not?
Harold: No. It's that a teacher is having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I'm going to contact my lawyers. We're going to fight this.
Blair: Fight it? Oh, I don't—
Harold: You will not be punished for telling the truth.
Blair: Thank you daddy.

Vanessa: So you ratted on Blair. You Templeton.
Dan: A Charlotte's Websult. That's very cute. And no technically I did not rat on Blair. I just told Rachel to put the squeeze on the weakest of her kilted cronies.
Vanessa: And what does Serena think about you getting her best friend expelled?
Dan: The moment Blair involves me in her schemes, the boyfriend and the BFF clause is null and void. So she brought it on herself.
Rufus: The alleged online slander incident?
Dan: What? You— you heard about the rumor? You gave it a name.
Rufus: Well the parents council called an emergency meeting tonight. Apparently my son is the object of the slander. Assuming it is slander. You and Ms. Carr.

Serena: Gossip Girl is just a stupid web site.
Rachel: How can you say that? When its sole purpose is to allow people to post terrible things about each other.
Serena: I'm not defending Gossip Girl. I'm defending my best friend.
Rachel: Believe me, Serena, I'm sorry this all happened. But I have to go. I have an appointment before the parents meeting. I do hope we can still be friends.

Lily: I can't believe we're all here on a Saturday night. That's a lot of cancelled restaurant reservations.
Rufus: Well, expelling one Yale-bound senior gets people's attention.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy going from Teacher's Pet to persona non grata. In the pitter patter of a heartbeat.

Elle: That invitation wasn't for you. You were never supposed to be at that party. What do you remember?
Chuck: All I remember was you.
Elle: That's... not what I was referring to.
Chuck: I can't remember anything else. Why don't you fill me in.
Elle: I wasn't at that party to meet you. I was there for another man.
Chuck: Who?
Elle: Your father.
Chuck: My father? My father is—
Elle: I know that. Now. I took over a girl's client list and I sent the invitation without realizing. When you told me your name was Chuck I realized that I had the wrong Mr. Bass. I had to get you out of there. I had to make sure that you didn't remember anything that you saw.
Chuck: The drink. So you drugged me and then snuck back to Connecticut?
Elle: What matters is that I left you at that hotel to keep you safe.
Chuck: Safe from what? She tries to leave. Look. The whole "Eyes Wide Shut" mystery has been fun. But if my father was part of this group I have a right to know who they are.
Elle: Turn on CNN. Walk down Wall Street. Go to Washington. That's who they are. And if they find out I let an outside in. Lose the card, the stamp on your arm will fade. And stop asking questions. Stop looking.
Chuck: I'll protect you.
Elle: How? Your own father was one of them. And you didn't even know it. Don't contact me again.

Blair: Turns out I can still apply to Oberlin. The face, Serena. Try and pretend it's not totally tragic.
Serena: You were right about Dan and Rachel.
Blair: Seriously? I must have picked up on something. We need proof. You have proof! Give it to me.
Serena: Dan said that nothing was going on. So I should probably just talk to him first.
Blair: And give him another opportunity to lie to you. How awful. I'm so sorry S. But this is the smoking gun I've been waiting for. Dorota!
Dorota: Yes Miss Blair?
Blair: Go get my dog back!

Blair: I believe it's called exculpatory evidence. I love Damages.

Blair: I'm back in. I saved myself and Gossip Girl.
Dan: You used this photo of Rachel and me to back up a rumor that is nothing more than a vengeful lie.
Blair: So?
Serena: Blair. Uh uh.
Blair: You say "lie," I say eerily prophetic.
Harold: Blair?
Blair: Daddy.
Harold: I was going to congratulate you. The driver will take you home. I need some fresh air.
Blair: Daddy, please.

Dan: Look I get why Blair went after Rachel but why you?
Serena: I felt like a fool. I thought you lied to me.
Dan: I told you nothing was going on.
Serena: I know.
Dan: So why were you so ready to believe the worst?
Serena: Honestly? I think a part of me wanted to. Dan. We keep trying to act like we can overcome anything.
Dan: Yeah, pretending none of it matters. Our parents dating. Sharing a brother. I mean, different colleges next year. It's over isn't it?
Serena: Well we had to try.
Dan: Yeah.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes the only thing left to do is wrap your arms around each other one last time and then just... let go.

Rufus: Look, I believe the two of you weren't having an affair, but meeting a student, one she didn't even teach. Off hours. After school.
Dan: You voted to fire her, didn't you?
Rufus: You just got into Yale. I was protecting your future.
Dan: By firing someone who didn't do anything wrong? You talk about these Park Avenue parents who shield their kids from punishment. Well I should be punished. Not her.
Rufus: It's over Dan. Let it go.

Rachel: Your essay. I read it last night. It was wonderful. Full of nuanced observations about the world around you. There's some unexpected irony.

Harold: You allowed me to defend a lie. A lie that you looked me in the eyes and told. Why did you do that?
Blair: Yale was on the line. I have to go there. Like you. It's our plan.
Harold: Sweetheart, what matters most to me is not what college you go to, it's what kind of person you grow up to be.

Gossip Girl: They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And once something is set in motion, it can't help but build momentum.

Chuck: Father. What were you involved in.

Gossip Girl: One thing is certain on the Upper East Side: what goes around comes around. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

Dramatis Personae Edit

Starring Edit

Recurring RoleEdit

  • Yin Chang as Nelly Yuki
  • Nicole Fiscella as Isabel Coates
  • Amanda Setton as Penelope Shafai
  • Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota Kishlovsky

Special Guest Stars Edit

  • Laura Breckenridge as Rachel Carr
  • Jan Maxwell as Queller

Music Edit

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