Con-Heir is the 18th episode of the fifth season and 105th episode overall.
Chuck invites Jack to town to thank him for saving his life, but finds the trip doesn’t go as planned. Blair and Dan attempt to consummate their new relationship, but unexpected roadblocks get in their way. Meanwhile, Ivy finds a quite unlikely ally in William van der Woodsen in her quest to be accepted on the Upper East Side, and Nate is hopeful that a new investor will save The Spectator.
This week, Ivy and William join forces to extort money and ruin cocktail hour with red wine, except it's all a sham! Lily considers burning down the Brooklyn loft with their barely working burner. Serena proves herself to be the worst Gossip Girl imaginable, like we all imagined, and gets fired by Nate. Nate pretends to be Don Draper, gives bad sex advice and then gets an offer from Diana Payne he can't refuse.
Lola officially joins the family by screwing someone else over and wearing a low-cut dress. Chuck uncovers Jack Bass' blood donor deception with some James Bond moves and fake childhood leukemia. Finally, Blair and Dan have bad sex sober and good sex drunk, in public.
It was a surprisingly fun episode, despite all the ridiculous plot twists. Ivy continues coming unhinged in new and delightful ways. Meanwhile, if we had to lose season MVP's Georgina and Cece.Thanks to Rufus kidnapping Lily and holding her against her will in Brooklyn, Dan and Blair's sexy times have been delayed by a whole month.
Still, watching Blair re-gift Dorota her wedding champagne glasses and then get hammered on vodka is undeniably precious. As is Dan's reveal that he and Nate made a "Don Draper pact" about drinking at work.
Finally, in the elevator up to Ivy's party, Dan and Blair find the secret to conjugal bliss: being really drunk and in public. After learning that Chuck's blood is now riddled with even more STDs than before, thanks to a life-saving infusion from Jack, Chuck takes him out on the town. Jack is oddly confused about saving Chuck's life, just the first of many warning signs. Chuck wants to name a hospital wing after Jack in thanks.
The second warning sign that things may not be what they seem is when Chuck finds out that Jack spent a old time in an English boarding school. Chuck points out that because of his time overseas in the 90's, Jack shouldn't be able to give blood. So great, now Chuck has Mad Cow disease. After this revelation, Chuck goes to, frankly, pretty preposterous lengths to prove that Jack didn't donate his blood.
After Jack drops a big bomb, he confirms it was Elizabeth Fisher that gave the blood. Chuck's own mother who wanted nothing to do with him or his life. Time to find out how Diana Payne, Jack, Bart and Chuck are all connected. That's when William comes to Ivy with a plan: she gives him money and he gets people to show up at her Cece memorial party.William needs the money too, because Carol is still blackmailing him. "I can't change the law just because you're blackmailing me!" he hisses at Carol on the phone.
It turns out it's all an elaborate William and Lily planned ruse in order to get Ivy to implicate herself in bribing the executor of the will. Lola overhears and shares her information with Nate, who shares it with Serena, who also goes crazy.
In the end, Ivy is left with frozen assets, a big bill from a declasse cocktail party and an increasing beef with the van der Woodsens. My favorite part has to be when she yells at Lola for siding with her "greedy" family and complaining that no one there even cared about celebrating Cece. Even though we are clearly shown that Ivy only threw the party in Cece's honor in order to get rich people to talk to her.
Serena finally gets the Gossip Girl computer, a month later. Hold up -- didn't Georgina put that in the mail right before she left? Why did it take a month to get to Serena on the other side of the city? It only takes the blink of an eye to get from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn on this show; shouldn't Serena have gotten that computer mere seconds after Georgina put it in the mail?
To enjoy the power of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, Serena turns out to be as effective at being Gossip Girl as you'd imagine. She becomes the best/worst/most amazing Gossip Girl the world has ever seen. She literally ruins her own family as Gossip Girl. You don't even need to give Serena an opponent to face off against; this season, she will just ruin her own life!
When she can't get to a computer in time to turn off the Ivy-William Gossip Girl blast because of weird old guys hitting on her over her grandmother's death, it looks bad for the van der Woodsen plan. That is, until Lola tells Serena she overheard the bribe, and Serena pulls out all her powers of heartwarming and slight condescension to convince Lola that her family really needs her.
Nate, however, is a lot less happy with Serena and fires her after the deal falls through. Now he's going to have to whore himself out to Diana Payne again, and he was just getting used to not being a hooker anymore!
Poor Serena; how many jobs has she had at this point? 50? 500? More than Barbie, I'm pretty sure. I can't wait until next season when Serena is a doctor, a lawyer, a professional blood donor, a race car driver and a veterinarian.
Someone else none too happy with Serena's new non-career path? The real Gossip Girl, who instant messages Serena as the episode closes, asking for her password back. I'd do it if I were Serena. First, she's terrible at being Gossip Girl; so what's the loss exactly? But secondly, I wouldn't want to mess with Veronica Mars, because she is always smarter than you.
Next week, Lola gets jealous because Nate is probably hooking again. And she sings to Nate that he doesn't have to put on that red light, but of course he does because Diana Payne is back.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Did you like the Blair and Dan of it all? What are your theories on Chuck's mysterious blood transfusion? What's up with Diana Payne? Sound off in the comments!