Goodbye, Columbia is the 5th episode of the fourth season and 70th overall.
Morning on the Upper East Side, where even our own blonde birdie has been spotted flying the coop early to make it to her early classes. Leave it to Serena van der Woodsen to make eek chic. Who knew ivy would look so good on her?
Juliet sends a Gossip Girl blast that starts a very damaging rumor about Serena. Vanessa becomes worried that Dan and Serena may have slept together and turns to Juliet to help her get answers. Elsewhere, Chuck threatens Blair's chances to become the powerful businesswoman Martha's new assistant.
The episode begins with Serena trying to hail a cab to make it to class. A man appears out of nowhere and puts a woman into the cab she hailed and sends it off. He uses the opportunity to ask her out but she rejects him. At Columbia, Blair and her minions are walking while they present her with businesswomen portfolios she could look to for inspiration. Serena catches up with her and explains that she's bene late to her English Lit class and it's affecting her grade. Blair encourages her to talk with her professor and try to figure it out, and says that she is headed to the registrar to sign up for a Psychology of Business class taught by Martha Chamberlain. Serena wonders how Blair is staying sane despite Chuck declaring war, and Blair replies that the more she stays on campus the less likely she is to run into him.
At the loft, Rufus drops by to see Dan but finds Vanessa there instead. She tells him that things between them are fine now and there are no more secrets. At The Empire, Dan has just finished telling Nate the same thing and he invites him to go with him and Juliet to a mixer at Hamilton House. Dan agrees and asks to go to a movie after, but Nate says that they're planning to consummate their relationship after the party. Meanwhile at the jail, Juliet goes to see Ben. She tells him that Serena is isolated from Dan and Nate, and Blair will soon be too. Ben reveals he knows she is dating Nate, but she reasons that she is only with him to stay in Serena's close orbit. He reminds her that they planned to ruin Serena's life and leave her with nothing the same way she did to him, and that the next step is removing her from Columbia. At school, Blair and her minions go to the registrar to register but find there's a line. Blair motions to her minions to move and she becomes face to face with Chuck. She demands to know what he's doing there, and he says he's going to audit a few classes before breaking ground on The Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. He reminds her that he's going to take away what she cares about most as revenge and that will be Columbia. After he's gone, Blair instructs her minions to come back later and sign her and Serena up for the class quietly. Meanwhile, Serena, Vanessa, Dan, and Nate receive a Gossip Girl blast informing everyone that Serena has an STD.
At Hamilton House, Serena complains about the blast to Blair. She tells her that Chuck is hanging around school, and she's planning to become Martha Chamberlain's assistant to protect herself from him. Serena decides to go outside and act like she doesn't have a care in the world to prove the blast didn't bother her. Outside, Juliet is talking with Dan and Nate about who Serena has slept with, according to Gossip Girl. Vanessa shows up and asks to talk to Dan alone. When they're gone, Juliet asks Nate to get tested before they have sex. He eventually agrees to drop by the clinic after his lacrosse game. Meanwhile, Dan swears to Vanessa that he didn't hook up with Serena. She decides to believe him, and he heads off to the game. In the quad, Juliet spots Serena. She goes over to talk to her, and Serena acts suspicious of her. Juliet tells her that when Nate saw the blast, he freaked out. Serena doesn't believe her, until she spots him heading into the health clinic. She goes over and asks him not to get tested because he'll be confirming the rumor. He sends Dan in to check him in, and tells her that she isn't his priority anymore. At the loft, Vanessa arrives home and gets a Gossip Girl blast of Dan signing into the health clinic. Back at Columbia, Blair brings a cherry pie to Martha but when she arrives at her office, she discovers Chuck is already there and has taken the assistant position.
The next day at the Waldorf's, Blair invites Martha over. Blair reveals she knows about Martha's divorce, and that they divorced over his philandering with the nanny. She offers to set her up with one of the lawyers at Cyrus' firm, so long as the assistant position is still available. Martha skeptically agrees. Outside, Serena sees the same man put another woman in a taxi she needs. He admits that he leaves at the same time everyday hoping to see her and she gets in with the other woman. At the VDW's, Dan confides in Rufus that Serena has an STD and Vanessa is freaked over the photo on Gossip Girl. He promises that nothing happened between him and Serena, and Rufus encourages him to show Vanessa that he is over her and that she's the only one he cares about. Meanwhile at Columbia, Vanessa finds Serena to ask her if she slept with Dan. Before she can ask, Serena is offended by something she says and they stop talking. While walking away, Serena gets a text from her professor that she missed their meeting. At The Empire, Chuck meets with Blair's minion Zoe. She admits she's over doing Blair's dirty work and wants to take her down herself. Chuck warns her not to get ahead of herself and asks for any information on her plans. Zoe hands over Blair's latest scheme. At Hamilton House, Nate tells Juliet that STD test results can take up to three or four days to get. She wonders if there's another way to know for sure, maybe talking to someone Serena would have, and Nate suggests talking to Blair. She leaves and calls Ben, saying that Nate is where she needs him to be. She spots Vanessa and hangs up. Vanessa admits she thinks Dan slept with Serena and needs help getting answers. Juliet reveals she has an idea for both of them to get answers; beginning with Vanessa inviting Dan to the Hamilton House party.
At the party, Serena tells Blair that she missed her meeting but are meeting at the party. Meanwhile, Vanessa steals Serena's bag from coat check and brings it to Juliet, who tells her to check Serena's email. She does, and finds an email from Dan that afternoon; saying that he's willing to do whatever to make things work with Vanessa despite they're only kissing that night. Juliet decides to check, saying she has Serena insecurity too, and tells Vanessa to make sure no one is coming. While she's gone, she sends an email from the phone. When Vanessa gets back, she says she found nothing incriminating and they can go. She sends Vanessa to bring the bag back, but keeps the phone. Meanwhile, Blair goes to bring Martha to the lawyer. Elsewhere, Vanessa returns the bag and tells Dan she's ready to go, and they decide to leave. During the meeting, Blair finds that the lawyer she set up was replaced by a woman. Martha is offended that Blair assumed she was a lesbian and kicks her out of the class. Martha compliments the woman's scarf and Blair realizes that Chuck set it up. Serena approaches her professor and introduces herself to the dean as well. She apologizes for missing their meeting, and the dean tells her that they need to speak privately due to her email offering sex for grades. She shows Serena the email, and she says it did come from her account but she didn't send it. Vanessa witnesses the conversation and confronts Juliet. She denies sending the email, saying that if they could steal her phone, someone else could too. Vanessa decides to tell her they had her phone anyway. Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck face off on their respective plans to win over Martha. She overhears and decides to quit. Elsewhere, Serena realizes her phone is missing and the dean tells her they'll talk on Monday. On her way to tell Serena, Vanessa is stopped by Juliet, who begs her not to tell as she slips the phone into her bag. Vanessa is about to tell Serena when Juliet tells her to call he phone to find it. She does, and it goes off in Vanessa's bag. At this point, Dan and Nate have wandered over and they all place the blame on Vanessa.
After the party, the dean tells Serena she doesn't believe she sent the email but needs to rethink her priorities. She also tells Blair that she's watching her as well as Serena and leaves. Serena tells Blair that Vanessa started the rumor and Juliet helped her figure it out. Blair leaves after this revelation, and Serena and Juliet agree to be friendlier towards each other. Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair talk. He promises again to get in the way of anything she wants, and then alludes to maybe revealing the real reason she banished Jenny. Blair warns him not to, saying that would result in mutual destruction. He tells her he doesn't care, as he has nothing to live for. At the loft, Dan arrives to find Vanessa ready to leave. She explains she's headed to stay with her parents for awhile, and tells him that it's important he knows she didn't send the email. He says that it's more that she didn't believe him in the first place. At a bar, Serena is drinking alone when she runs into cab guy. He proposes that if she tells him why she's drinking alone, she can ask him anything she wants. She replies that no matter where she tries to start over, her past will always follow her. She asks why he's with a different girl every night, and he answers that he stopped apologizing for his past a long time ago. At The Empire, Juliet is on the phone with Ben, who is mad Serena didn't get expelled. Juliet offers that that's a good thing because now she is close with Serena and can find something bigger to take her down with. She also promises that she isn't falling for Nate. After hanging up, she heads into Nate's room with champagne and they begin to make out. Outside, Chuck makes a call to get Jenny an interview with Tim Gunn to help her apply to Parsons.
- Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen
- Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf
- Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey
- Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald
- Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass
- Jessica Szohr as Vanessa Abrams
- Taylor Momsen as Jenny Humphrey (Credit only, as she does not appear in the episode)
- Kelly Rutherford as Lily van der Woodsen (Credit only, as she does not appear in the episode)
- Matthew Settle as Rufus Humphrey
- Katie Cassidy as Juliet Sharp
- Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota Kishlovsky
- David Call as Ben Donovan
- Sam Page as Colin Forrester
- Alice Callahan as Jessica Leitenberg
- Jayne Atkinson as Dean Reuther
- Marlyne Barrett as Martha Chamberlain
- Melissa Fumero as Zoe
- Like A G6 by Far East Movement (Feat. Dev and Cataracs)
- Never Get Enough by DAS Pop
- Power by Kanye West
- Bambi by Tokyo Police Club
- A Moment Like You by Buva
- Open Up Your Heart by Mikey Jukebox
- Pages of the Weekly by The Broken Remotes
Serena: With Dan and Nate behind me, I really feel like I can bury the old me and start anew.
Blair: May you rest in peace.
Nate: Yeah, yeah, I missed you too... You're not getting a hug.
Dan: Not one?
Nate: Not one.
Chuck (to Blair): I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.
Serena (on Blair's scheme): What is going on?
Dorota: It's better not to know. Plausible deniability.
Blair: Nothing says soulmate like punctuality.
Blair: I had Dorota get chummy with Martha's maid, who came over from one of her sweatshops in the Philippines! If I have to, I'll blackmail her for the position.
Chuck: An illegal maid scandal, no one's cared about those in years.
Blair: And a lesbian switcheroo doesn't make you black water!
Chuck: The switcheroo was just for fun. The IRS agent standing by to crawl up Martha's audit is not.
Blair: A taxt fraud setup? They give away girl scout badges for that! I have her prenup. It has details.
Chuck: I have the nanny. She has pictures. Martha's ex is in them. So is Martha. It turns out it was a threesome until the nanny turned it into a twosome.
Martha: Oh my god! You students are psychotic. I have better things to do with my time. Tell the dean I quit.
Chuck (to Blair): Who knows my limits, since you took away my future.
Blair: You may be homicidal but you're not suicidal.
Chuck: A man with nothing to live for is capable of anything.
Serena: College is just high school with more expensive books.