Never Been Marcused is the 2nd episode of the second season and the 20th overall.
"As summer comes to an end, I'd like to share a few things I've learned about fun in the sun. Gossip Girl's guide to summer fun tip #1: Don't fall asleep on the job. The best hookups are free of morning breath and awkward conversation. The only thing better than making up is waking up.Summer Tip #2. There is no "we" in summer. Only "u" and "me". Tip #3. Take time to stop and smell the flowers. It's true that all good things must come to an end. August is no exception. They don't call it Fall for nothing. - Gossip Girl
Blair is over the moon that she is dating royalty and has every intention of becoming a royal herself, but a scheming Chuck has other plans for Blair and her new love, Marcus. Serena and Dan agree to keep their recent hook-ups a secret from their friends and family until they figure out what all this means for their relationship. Meanwhile, Nate learns the downside to having an affair with a hot older woman, Catherine, who also happens to be married.
Special Guest Stars
Gossip Girl: What's this? Chuck's date and Blair's date are mother and son? And Nate and Blair are exes? And Nate and the mother are in a book club? Now there's a novel plot twist.
Chuck: I thought you might like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why? So she can warn me about the effects of too much botox?
Catherine: Blair, is it? I'm Duchess Beaton
Blair: Duchess? Nice to meet you.
Rufus: I'm freaking out. This place is amazing, people might actually come here.
Vanessa: That was the idea.
Rufus: I know but when i talked about converting our storage space into a cafe i was thinking of a folding table and a coffee maker.
Serena: And you really expect me to believe this isn't all about revenge on Chuck?
Blair: Revenge is so 12 hours ago!
Blair: Just because Marcus is the perfect post-Bass palate cleanser doesn't mean he isn't a tasty dish of his own right.
Blair: Squash? I'll squash you.
Chuck: It's just a game, Blair.
Blair: Not to me, Basshole. I like him!
Serena: Blair Waldorf, a fling? You're not exactly low maintenance.
Catherine: Nate, it's Catherine. Last night was not smart. In fact, it was very, very stupid. Which is why we're going to have to be much more clever when we get back to the city. Call me when you get this.
Gossip Girl: Cheers to that, Blair. Nothing says welcome home like a bottle of bubbly,or a scandal bubbling.
Nate: No offense, but don't you think you're a little outmatched?
Chuck: At squash? I've been playing my father since 8th grade, how good can Marcus be?
Nate: No, I mean as a guy. Blair wants to be a princess and your greatest achievement is owning part of a burlesque club.
Chuck: Which is why I have to get to know him. No one is that perfect. Once I get him outta the way, I'll have a clear shot with Blair.
Nate: You know it's love when you start talking like an assassin.
Marcus(about Catherine): No one's ever good enough. I've dated a lot of top-flight girls and she always sends them running. She gets inside their heads, figures out their worst fears and then...
Chuck: Ruthlessly exploits that fear. Sounds rough.
Gossip Girl: Spotted, Chuck Bass putting his new BFF on speed dial. Is it the beginning of a beautiful bromance? Or the end of Blair's bid to be British?
Serena: Does this mean you actually think Dan has a redeeming quality?
Blair: As long as knows his arse from his Arsenal, I think he's aces.
Blair: I know you're here with Chuck, and I can only imagine what he said about me. Limo sex, social torture, freshmen, blackmail. But I assure you, there's an explanation for all of it.
Catherine: Save your breath, Blair. Chuck didn't tell me a thing.
Blair: He didn't?
Catherine: I told him it didn't make any difference to me, because despite your best efforts, which are completely transparent, by the way, Marcus will never end up with a lowly Waldorf.
Blair: Your plan to ruin me totally backfired. Turns out Marcus' mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great?
Gossip Girl: Summer vacationers traverse the globe in search of new sights and experiences. But when it comes to scandal, I'll take Manhattan every time. Welcome home, Upper East Siders. You know you missed me.
Blair(to Dorota): I have to present myself as a crown jewel. Surrounded by other, smaller, slightly flawed gems. But quality none the less. And try to round up a few people who can vote so it doesn't feel like a total high school party.
Blair: Marcus dated the descendant of Princess Grace. His consort needs to be able to host royal dinners and hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.
Serena: Well if you can't find common ground with a dictator I don't know who can.
Blair: This party's a complete bust. My whole life's a bust.
Serena: Well it serves you right. You were scheming to convince Marcus you're someone you're not.
Blair: But my intentions were good. I really do like him, As soon as I knew he liked me I would have relaxed and dropped the manipulative plotting and devoted myself to being the best girlfriend ever.
Blair: Can I just say how sorry I am that I judged you earlier?
Catherine: You judged me?
Blair: I thought you were just a callow, social-climbing, former swimsuit model who married above her station only to be enslaved by her own insecurities. But now that I've seen you rolling around on the floor with my adolescent ex I understand you have a compassionate side too.
- "Boy In A Rock And Roll Band" by The Pierces
- "Tell Me A Lie" by The Fratellis
- "Cat Piano" by Seabear
- "Creator" by Santogold
- "New York, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down" by LCD Soundsystem
- "How Deep is the Ocean (How High is the Sky)" by Diana Krall
- "Spent Nights" by Magic Bullets
- "Minuet From String Quartet In E Major" by Boccherini
- "Move On" by Wes Hutchinson
- Arsenal - Blair mentions this English football team based in London
- Balenciaga - Serena mentions this luxury fashion company
- Chelsea Football Club - Blair mentions that Dan is a huge fan of this British club
- Debrett's Peerage - Blair mentions this handbook which teaches people about the hierarchy,ranks & etiquette of British royals
- Grace Kelly - Blair mentions this american actress and princess of Monaco
- Laurent-Perrier - Blair mentions this expensive champagne company
- Mozart - Blair says that she loves this musical composer
- Nyla's Burger Basket - Blair mentions this cheap american hamburger restaurant
- Princess Diana - Blair mentions the funeral of this famous royal
- Roman Holiday - Blair compares her situation with Marcus to this movie, and names Marcus as Audrey Hepburn and herself as Gregory Peck
- The Salvation Army - Vanessa mentions this charitable organisation which has a second-hand clothing shop
- The Queen - Blair mentions that she watched this movie about the royal family following the death of Princess Diana
- Tom Hanks - Blair mentions this american actorl
- Veuve Clicquot - Blair mentions this expensive champagne company
- Bistro Citron - The cafe that Blair and Marcus are seen at
- Kentwood - A city in Michigan
- The Hudson Hotel - The venue of Blair's party
Food & Drinks
- Caprese Salad - Rufus cooks this for dinner
- Champagne - Blair and Marcus both have a glass of this in the limo
- Chocolate Strawberries - Serena eats a box of strawberries dipped in chocolate
- French Toast - Marcus offers to eat this for breakfast with Blair
- Gnocchi with Pesto - Rufus cooks this for dinner